My Daily Log |Sunday. 10th August, 2014|Enugu|01:15Hrs
As I sit here today, I am a little blank about what to reflect upon. The last 365 days zapped away so fast didn’t even realize they were there.
Days were running into each other, entangled in this wildly smooth foxtrot that advances ever forward. Not a moment’s glance backward, but eyes affixed to the posterior of tomorrow, one would think a ceramic frame was holding time’s gaze, and perhaps it is.
Two days from “then” was never as far away, two days ago always had a way of running into it. Shocking experiences that leave me asking only one question out of many; “what have I in the past few days noteworthy done?” Few great times I am able point to one thing or two I can display like nifty little tag, like shimmering golden plastic stars for Sunday school attendance, but most times though, I had nothing to point to. Only empty days and deep sadness laced with a thin foil of hope in tomorrow’s dawn.
So today, as I type in my journal, I wonder what to think and tow. Certainly, I should not venture to take stock of my past year, that would only end in a sad and bitter aftertaste I already know too well.
As you would probably have surmised now, I am most critical of myself. That is because I have spent have my lifetime nursing glory days and cradling laurels which meant absolutely nothing in the future I picture. You would be. surprised for how long I cuddled my Primary School certificate that proved as the school’s best graduating student that year.
I am critical of myself therefore, not because I want you, yes you, to think I am really so self-aware and therefore should be looked upon as honest, or that perhaps I am being too hard on myself and should be sympathized with, no, I am this critical because somewhere in my many years, I forgot to aspire. Lost in the past and obsessed with the present I forgot to crystalize the future. Oh, don’t get me wrongly. I had and have dreams, but blimey, I am wont to forget too often, because when things don’t go too well for me, I retire into my treasure chest of memories past to seek and replay “towering” exploits from years before and in the process sentence the future to “tomorrow”, a place and time a friend calls “the ideal place with the right proportions of everything that will never be”, [I paraphrase].
So today, against the grain, I have chosen to forget that past, no matter how good it feels to escape into them. The bitter after taste on the one hand and the falsity of the comfort these exercises give me on the other made my mind up for this counterculture escapade.
Reckless, but I choose to forget all my takes, mistakes and misses. I am not recounting this year. Nor reconciling. Nor accounting or auditing my last score plus four years. Today, I choose to aspire. To advance into my new future with a boldness that comes with Spring; new life and greens gently but resolutely emerging from harmarttaned trees and earth. Today, I am the child that fears no borders.
Today, I am that sprouting acorn and, wait for it, “the sun soon will my face greet”. Today, I am the boy embracing my fears. Today, I have a new slate. Today, I am the new slate. Today, I am the dreamer stepping into the future that is now. Today I am the explorer fixated on the distant horizons drawing ever closer. Today, I fail. Today, I fall. Today, I rise. Today, I begin again. Today I live. Today, I am fearless. Today, I am the man. Today, I am future. *grabs bucket list*