Monday, August 22, 2011


Just before you go on and start surfing your colossal 7th Edition Oxford English dictionary or whichever one of those tomes your worship; read the line that says;
'Wiwe': n, a classic dress down that makes you go back into your closet, sit and think deeply of your life's worth for Two weeks non stop
Now that’s according to the "Pipistrello's Advanced Closet Dictionary 20th Edition"; and pity you won’t be able to find it in any one of those your tomes, at least not until the 25th Edition of Oxford dictionary strolls into the market; then if you’ll be waiting for that, your grandchild will bring the contemporary definition to you in heaven years after your demiseJ.

Back to the Heart of the matter; the act of "Weing" (the Verb of Wiwe) is not strange to people like myself but sometimes it just comes with a whole new face that you wonder if you have ever received 'Wiwe' in your entire life, and that's what I call, wiwe with a difference. There are some experts in this department in the school of life and I like to call them 'Wiwe Merchants' or 'Wiwelogians' depending on the setting. They administer 'Wiwe' with such dexterity that makes you wonder if they were actually born for the sole purpose of weing. Now one of those people happen to be Uncle D. Uncle D knows his onions and like I said earlier, he’s one heck of a Wiwelogian, he probably graduated with a first class in Wiwelogy, and his wiwes always come with a brand of their own.

In recent times, that Vocabulary has been so prominent in Uncle’s house that I start to wonder why there is this much ruckus about this galactic psyche muncher (our dear wiwe); it has so hold a center stage in each activity in the house that one can be confident enough to say that the fear of wiwe is the beginning of wisdom. I remember just the other day, one of my many ‘brothers’, D was to go downstairs donning only a pair of boxers into the compound (and this guy get chest ehn), before I could say “Wiwe”, what I heard was the voice of M ringing out from his room, “you really will not want to go downstairs like that; if you don’t want to receive wiwe from Uncle D); and then I start to wonder, Chei!!! Na so people fear wiwe reach?     

Now no one really wants to get ‘We’ed’, everybody is trying hard not to step beyond that thin red line that heralds massive ‘wiwe’.  

A typical Wiweing session may not last up to 30 Minutes, but trust me, the aftermath takes more than 30, 000 hours to wear off, I can say this because yours truly has participated in enough proceedings (usually on the receiving end of course) so much that I can confidently call myself a veteran in this field.

I may not be able to recall the first wiwe that I ever received, but I can sure recall then that I’ll rather settle for six strokes of Koboko (leather cane) than sit and hear out a long 2 Hour career talk (wiwe equivalent) from James Bond (my Vice Principal back in Secondary School) and still get some few strokes of the same Koboko on my soles as a constant reminder of the offence committed; those days, you’ll just have to tip – toe back to class because you can’t just bare to walk with your soles *lmao.

Another notable session I can recollect was the one with my Uncle – in – law the day I forgot to greet him, *smh, I’m sure James Bond could not have done a better job. It was very early on that December morning and I had woken up to watch Batman Begins with my nephew, A (me sef be agbaya) when he strode into the room and I didn’t even notice, so when I saw him, I didn’t remember what to do and I knew all was not right, it didn’t click until he erupted in a wild tantrum, fuming like an heavy duty Mikano generator and accusing me of insubordination, dressing me down with yet another lecture on how to respect elders, interspersed with occasional calling of names. After the whole the episode, I just wished I never woke up that morning. I didn’t watch the end of Batman Begins until two years later.

I had seen it all and heard it all, my mum may not be an expert “wiwelogian” but she has some really funny looks when you do crazy stuffs that will make you want to wish you go blind so that you will never have to see that expression again, but pity is, it keeps replaying in your head. Even then, ‘wiwe’ as I knew then has transcended the ante set my James Bond, Vice Principal Yeboah or even my Uncle – in – law, there is a new kid on the block and that happens to be Uncle D. He is what I call, ‘wiwelogian’ per excellence.

One notable episode that was hosted by him was the day I had sported a Leather slipper wanting to go to Church with the family (being a Comfort ambassador that I am); he had gently told me to step down from the car and go back inside to rest, and I just thought, okay what happening here? It didn’t click until I realise that I was the only one in slippers, so I just went back inside and rested like he said, but you think that’s the end of it, my session was far from over. It was only adjourned till the next morning and I really don’t want to recall the whole episode, but I tell you, all the above lengendary wiwe put together will not measure up to this one. In a calm, cool and collected manner he gave me the wiwe of my life, and since then, I don’t seem to have a choice but to live in constant of fear of wiwe, but think ye not that I’m the only one in this maze,  everybody in the house now live by the wiwe code of conduct. Nobody want to tread that line; nobody wants to be next barbecue.
But as funny as it sound, this fear of 'wiwe' makes us to always want to do right thing and that just confirms it all, in Uncles' house! The fear of 'wiwe' is indeed,  the beginning of wisdom.