Sunday, December 4, 2011

SEE MY ALTER EGO SUPER FLOP....

The other day I was chatting with my alter ego; Gbenga, and we got into a really deep argument as to who’s responsible for the dormancy of this blog for close to 2 months now. I am not going to give you a breakdown of our discussion just yet, but I made sure to dent his ego critically. He promised to put up a post just to prove he still has the meatloaf between his ears. So, Gbenga in bid his to impress as usual presents this one….. *drab clapping*.

HOW TO MANAGE FUNDS: GBENGA'S TWISTED PERSPECTIVE 
Let’s talk about money. Okay, now you’ve seen the topic and I can picture that crease on your face, the Yimu (acute upward movement of your nose to signify jonzing) you are putting up complete with the smirk. What is this one about? Another one of those Yahoo answers “Ten easy ways to get Rich in ten days”? Well, maybe it is or not, why don’t we just find our together.

For starters, I am not a writer, even though I like people to think I am, deep down there, I know that it was a not only a measly apple that killed the 7th king of Nigeria. And I am not an economist. I am just a confused teenager with early onset of MPD and unlimited access to the internet. So, in the light of this, i really won't be surprised if you bowed out of this one before the next line.
Writing on “how to manage money or funds would have been and still is the last thing I will choose to do after dying. Just what Nigerian will write a book on how to become a perfect English gentleman? Who wants to volunteer to write on this subject? Not me. 

Even as I type our these words on my old HP brain-box, I can hear me asking me; You hediat! Why did you agree to do this? But alas, here I am, still banging out my thought like there is no tomorrow. *swallows*, I really don’t know how to do this and my heart is racing madly like an Okada with LASTMA on its tail. But then, I'm really not that dumb, and looking at the little bit of economics I did back at Abuleokere Grammar School, I should be able to put some things together. So this is how we’ll do it.

Instead of telling you how to manage your money, why don’t we talk about how to “unmanage” it? Well, don’t give me that look, wasting money is like the only am good at, so the equation is simple, if you don’t think I'm fit enough to be considered as a model, then congratulations to you because you won’t be overdrawing your account anytime soon.

So let’s get started. I will be telling you about 5 ways (for now) I thoughtlessly squander my pocket money, and just maybe I can help myself. Here you go:

  • Open an account with GT Bank: Oh yeah, you’ve not seen wrong. And maybe you are wondering why that had to top my list. Well, maybe it’s just because that’s where it’s meant to be. And before you start thinking they charge massively on withdrawals, that’s not what I am talking about (though that will help in keeping your money). With no diss intended on my part, GTB has made withdrawing from ATM so easy that even if you don’t feel like withdrawing you might just be drawn to withdraw for the fun of it. Yours truly is a victim, since GTB knows how to position their ATMs such that one won’t help but say yes, my “allawi” has a way of running off of my account as early as it had gotten there. My advice is, if you really don’t want to be like me, an account with First Bank, Union Bank or Wema Bank would definitely suffice, withdrawing money from those banks is like facing SDC, I bet your “allawi” will have a longer vault life.
  • Next;   Draw more money out of the ATM than you need: exactly; that’s one of the surest ways to empty your account. Well, that’s for those who had  while jumped ecstasy after reading the first tip; if you think all you have to do is just withdraw once from your Fantastic 3 Banks (First, Wema and Union) and it will take you through the week or month, *smh, bad news for you; the logic is, if you withdraw N2,000, you will spend N2, 000. If you get N20, 000, it will vanish just as promptly. (I wonder how I knew that *blank stare). Having said that, I hope you know all you have to do is the direct opposite.
  • I think we’ve had enough of bank ranting, how about this one that constantly suffices in the Spendthrift School of Prodigality; Buy bottled water. You are at an higher of redding your account if you buy bottled water (I think Eva is the commonest around here), instead of the regular “pure” water that is often just a second cousin of Unilorin hostels chlorinated water. *slams palms to mouth*, I can’t believe I just said that, I thought I could hide it, well yeah; I am a Unilorin student maybe now you can know where am coming from.  So what now is the deal? I hear you ask; don’t be such a Pinky; do the direct opposite, don’t even buy water at all, what’s your saliva for?         
     
  • And the next one making my list is the, Borrow - Borrow palaver; lending your money out to friends. Most of them never get to refund you. Maybe you can’t stop them from coming, but then, the ultimate decision still lies with you. You can choose to be like me because I can be such a sergeant-do-good and lose your money to unrepentant borrowers, or just do thing you really want to do; yes, keep your money in your pocket and forget about a giving a damn. Just maybe there is this dude or babe that just can’t stop borrowing your things or using your stuffs from your bathroom slippers to your shaving stick, and can even borrow tooth pick, well, I dunno what to say about that so if you really so want help out, just have it at the back of your mind that you’re giving to charity. 
  • *heaves*, now that we have enough money to throw around, seeing how much we’ve saved. One way of losing it all up in a click is to Gamble in Vegas. Okay, maybe that’s a bit over the edge, but if you find your way to Las Veggy, be sure you are guaranteed to leave with only clinking teeth. Some of us get lucky *adjust halo*, but most others just leave feeling like reckless morons 
  • This one is just added as a bonus, and maybe you’ve fallen into this temptation, but if you think your account is over-debited, try out for who wants to be millionaire. Nothing to talk about on this one, you just put the dots together so I don’t “spoil” business for MTN.
So those are some of the ways I squander my “allawi” month in month out. Definitely there are more to come, but let’s see how not making me your role model will help you in the next month. Remember, there is only one rule to saving your pocket; Hate my ways!!

Disclaimer:
*thinking - scratches – skull - till - it - bursts* I can’t come up with any for now, but note; I do not have any personal beef for any of the corporate names mentioned heretofore. So please, no law suits pleassse (abeg). And please don’t mind Funmi on this one, all he does is read read and read; nerdy scum.